Once upon a time I went to Ikea and fell madly in love with a fiddle leaf fig plant, bought it for the princely sum of $12.99 (plus tax) and carried it home on my lap in the car.
Yes, that’s right – this is in fact, my second fiddle leaf fig selfie. Let’s get #fiddleleafselfie trending on Twitter, shall we?
Once I got my one-true-love safely home, I realized I had no idea how to care for him it. Fearing terrible fates for it, and remembering with horror my involuntary murder of my childhood floral friends, I took the interwebs to find out how to best facilitate the well being of my prince charming/plant.
I found some extremely helpful posts on caring for fiddle leaf fig trees (this one from Apartment Therapy; this one from POPSUGAR; this one from About.com) and one extremely hilarious one (this one from Gardenista) that explains that we like fiddle leaf fig trees because their oversized leaves remind of babies’ heads. Obviously.
One thing I learned about fiddle leaf figs is that they are really picky little fellows.
They want breakfast in bed. And flowers on their anniversary.
So while you can visit the links above for tips on how to keep them mostly satisfied, I thought it was easier to approach the care and keeping of fiddle leaf figs from another standpoint… A nearly exhaustive list of what not to do when raising a young fiddle leaf fig.
#1. In the morning, don’t forget to ask your fiddle leaf fig how it slept the night before.
#2. At night, don’t forget to wish it pleasant dreams.
#3. Do not expose it to too much light.
#4. Do not keep it in too much shadow.
#5. Do not under water your fiddle leaf fig.
#6. Do not over water your fiddle leaf fig.
#7. Do not have loud domestic disputes in front of your fiddle leaf fig.
#8. Do not play scary movies in front of your fiddle leaf fig.
#9. Do not allow it to become too cold.
#10. Do not allow it to become too hot.
#11. Do not blast heavy metal in your fiddle leaf fig’s ears.
#12. Do not expose your fiddle leaf fig to strong language. Speak to your fiddle leaf fig only in calm, hushed tones.
#13. Do not keep it in too small of a pot.
#14. Do not keep it in too large of a pot.
#15. Do not allow your cat (*cough cough* Tiny Tina) to test the springy-ness of the leaves by jumping on them.
#16. After your cat attempts this, do not allow it anywhere near your traumatized fiddle leaf fig in the future.
#17. Do not attempt to tango with your fiddle leaf fig.**
**It is common knowledge that they prefer the waltz. On rare occasions.
#18. In fact, do not make any sudden movements near your fiddle leaf fig.
#19. Even if it professes a preference for whiskey, do not allow your fiddle leaf fig to consume alcohol.
#20. Do not, I repeat, do not ever mention to your fiddle leaf fig that it is not a sentient being and its preferences regarding alcohol, music, and film choices are therefore irrelevant/nonexistent.
*My fiddle leaf fig dreams of becoming this plant when it grows up:
What about you? Do you feel the fiddle leaf fig love? If you have one, go ahead & upload your own #fiddleleafselfie – I’m waiting! Did you find my tips helpful? Who knew they were such persnickety little botanicals! 😉
P.S. Just for fun I’ve created an entire Pinterest board devoted to fiddle leaf figs! Follow along here.