Once upon a time I went to Ikea and fell madly in love with a fiddle leaf fig plant, bought it for the princely sum of $12.99 (plus tax) and carried it home on my lap in the car.
Yes, that’s right – this is in fact, my second fiddle leaf fig selfie. Let’s get #fiddleleafselfie trending on Twitter, shall we?
Once I got my one-true-love safely home, I realized I had no idea how to care for him it. Fearing terrible fates for it, and remembering with horror my involuntary murder of my childhood floral friends, I took the interwebs to find out how to best facilitate the well being of my prince charming/plant.
I found some extremely helpful posts on caring for fiddle leaf fig trees (this one from Apartment Therapy; this one from POPSUGAR; this one from About.com) and one extremely hilarious one (this one from Gardenista) that explains that we like fiddle leaf fig trees because their oversized leaves remind of babies’ heads. Obviously.
One thing I learned about fiddle leaf figs is that they are really picky little fellows.
They want breakfast in bed. And flowers on their anniversary.
So while you can visit the links above for tips on how to keep them mostly satisfied, I thought it was easier to approach the care and keeping of fiddle leaf figs from another standpoint… A nearly exhaustive list of what not to do when raising a young fiddle leaf fig.
#1. In the morning, don’t forget to ask your fiddle leaf fig how it slept the night before.
#2. At night, don’t forget to wish it pleasant dreams.
#3. Do not expose it to too much light.
#4. Do not keep it in too much shadow.
#5. Do not under water your fiddle leaf fig.
#6. Do not over water your fiddle leaf fig.
#7. Do not have loud domestic disputes in front of your fiddle leaf fig.
#8. Do not play scary movies in front of your fiddle leaf fig.
#9. Do not allow it to become too cold.
#10. Do not allow it to become too hot.
#11. Do not blast heavy metal in your fiddle leaf fig’s ears.
#12. Do not expose your fiddle leaf fig to strong language. Speak to your fiddle leaf fig only in calm, hushed tones.
#13. Do not keep it in too small of a pot.
#14. Do not keep it in too large of a pot.
#15. Do not allow your cat (*cough cough* Tiny Tina) to test the springy-ness of the leaves by jumping on them.
#16. After your cat attempts this, do not allow it anywhere near your traumatized fiddle leaf fig in the future.
#17. Do not attempt to tango with your fiddle leaf fig.**
**It is common knowledge that they prefer the waltz. On rare occasions.
#18. In fact, do not make any sudden movements near your fiddle leaf fig.
#19. Even if it professes a preference for whiskey, do not allow your fiddle leaf fig to consume alcohol.
#20. Do not, I repeat, do not ever mention to your fiddle leaf fig that it is not a sentient being and its preferences regarding alcohol, music, and film choices are therefore irrelevant/nonexistent.
*My fiddle leaf fig dreams of becoming this plant when it grows up:
Sigh. Perfection.
What about you? Do you feel the fiddle leaf fig love? If you have one, go ahead & upload your own #fiddleleafselfie – I’m waiting! Did you find my tips helpful? Who knew they were such persnickety little botanicals! 😉
P.S. Just for fun I’ve created an entire Pinterest board devoted to fiddle leaf figs! Follow along here.
Follow Brynne Delerson’s board Fiddle Leaf Figs on Pinterest.
I have the blackest thumb ever! Never ask me to look after your plants, they will die horrible deaths…I kill cacti and money trees, which apparently are indestructible….they aren't….I would love to have green things in my house when it's finished but I daren't….
Oh, I'm right there with you Eve! I very much hope that I can keep this one alive, but with my track record…the outlook is a bit bleak 😉
Now I'm even more scared of owning one some day. Our house appears to be life threatening! LOL
Lol, mine too! It seems the prefer not to be messed with, so I'll hopefully just ignore it and maybe it will survive?! The other night I dreamed that I woke up and it had grown several feet over night – I'll take that as a good omen 🙂
can you come take care of mine? it has not been well since day one but it doesn't want to die.
I'm picturing some sort of Mary Poppins scenario where I come and nanny your plant and teach it happy songs and good life habits 🙂
I have heard that they are difficult to grow but that they hang on in horrible states. I found one at Home Depot that was big and was pretty excited as it was over 6ft tall already but it was &75.00 so way too pricey for me for something I might kill. I do well with some houseplants but others not so much like the succulents – oh easy to grow easy easy! yeah mine is dead, brown wilted dead… am I giving it too much water? too much or not enough sun? who knows but it is headed down fast. I do love the idea of it growing like the picture… though I don't have a house big enough for that monster! Keep us updated on how yours does! Victoria
I'd be scared to drop $75 on one as well! Apparently the one in the picture is worth several hundreds – crazy! I'll be sure to let you guys know how this goes… Even if I end up with dear fiddle leaf fig's blood – er, sap? – on my hands!
I just got me one of these!! My boyfriend calls it a cabbage tree haha. Haven't done any research on how to care for it so glad I came across your guide 😉
Haha, "cabbage tree" – love it! I'm so glad you found my little guide helpful 😉
I love your Fiddle Fig Leaf Fig. I first saw one on Emily Henderson's blog. But have not ever been able to locate one. How long do you think it takes to become that awesome plant in that picture? That is amazing. I bet they have gotten outrageous offers on that plant. I cannot wait to watch your baby/prince/plant grow!
Jenni
Thanks Jenni! I think Emily Henderson first got me hooked on fiddle leaf figs! I've heard that they can grow 2 – 2.5 feet per year… I hope I can nurture mine long enough to fill the room like the one in the picture!!!
Guess I can't own a fiddle leaf fig, I break more than those rules with most of my plants (does it count that cacti are THE easiest to grow). Namely that heavy metal one- guess Cacti love it!
Haha, I bet they do! That's hilarious 🙂 I'm guessing fiddle leaf figs prefer classical music, but I'll have to test it out!
#12 literally made me LOL… I just imagine someone caressing it talking like Barry White to their fig. 😉
Hehe. Oh my. The imaginings I'm imagining now that you mentioned that… 😉
Where did you get the boston statue??? I have 5 bostons and always looking for boston items and have never seen this statue before!
Hi Elaine! I actually found it at the thrift store! His name is Baxter 🙂
I really want to have one. I almost convinced myself recently that i could, in fact, keep one alive. Then my last succulent died. Poop.
Hehe. I've been there. I thought succulents were supposed to be super hardy & impossible to kill, but I killed 'em!
Hehe, cute post. I too had a fiddle leaf tree from Ikea but he didn't make it :-/ I'm willing to try again though—I love those things!
Here's hoping mine sticks around! I noticed a few new baby leaves, so maybe he's happy here?
How's it doing now? Almost a year since this post. Any progress? I have my fingers crossed for some good news! 😉
Oh goodness. I hang my head in shame. My little fiddle leaf fig is still hanging in there, but he is definitely not happy with anywhere I've placed him in our home… I just don't think we get enough sunlight through our windows (dark solar shades). Not to mention our rather rambunctious cat who just won't leave him alone. I found these gorgeous large life-like fake fiddle leaf figs online, and I'm extremely tempted to just give up and go faux!